Wednesday, 10 August 2011

My Arms Are Lollipops! (According to my dog)

Ok, I realise the title may be the only thing drawing you in, dear reader, but fear not! The rest of this will be painfully boring. I only say fear not because I've now warned you. See how I can tease you? See how I -
Ahem. Anyway, the title is what I seem to tell me dog. Every single time I go near the bastard he immediately licks my arms into near liquidity. Here's what I think his thought process might be like:
"Master's hand is stroking me. Wait... What's that attached to his hand? Omigod... A LOLLIPOOOOOP!!!! NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM yummmm ^^"
As you may have guessed, he's not a particularly smart doggie. Another example of his puppy-ish stupidity is the time he ran straight into a barbed wire fence. At least that's what we think was what punched a hole in his left shoulder that bled profusely for about two hours. AND HE CAME BACK SMILING!! That's something no man can ever truthfully say he's done - Been happy about running into barbed wire.
However, for all his stupidity, he is probably one of the most loving, happy dogs I've ever had the good fortune to come across. We actually chose him from 12 puppies because of him being the soppiest one there. In a rather squee worthy hour or so, he walked over to each of us and just slept on us for about ten minutes each!!! So cute I nearly died. Up until he was too big to fit his neck through the catflap, he just lay for what seemed like hours at a time staring out of the catflap. It was adorable, I can tell you. He's now... 7 I believe, and sometimes goes after rabbits when he sees them... But never catached them. I saw him go for a big group, a lot of young ones, and one didn't run, so he adjusted his path so he could run past it. It really seemed like he was trying to teach the little bugger a lesson in dodging dogs. Such a soppy git. But we do love 'im.
What pets do you have? Tell me in the comments :D

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

My Vegetarianism!

I thought I'd make this a daily blog, or at least try to. Knowing my issues with committing to things that take discipline, this may fail. Ahem.
Anyway, seeing as a relatively big chunk of this blog I have planned to have is about vegetarianism, I thought I'd introduce why and for how long I've been a veggie. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... About four or five months ago, I went to a young people's Buddhist retreat, where all the food was either vegan or veggie. After I came back, feeling all spiritual and holy, and the sun was shining out of my arse, I decided to keep going with the vegetarianism. Not veganism, as I love cheese and eggs and all the products that come from them too much! I didn't realise however, that cheese can be non-vegetarian (Go figure), and only found this out after I was done being peaceful, serene, holy, etc etc. This revelation led to some serious tantrums, I can tell you. Oh, and moaning to my parents. But all was well, and we now always buy veggie cheese. Although they may have been tricking me... Sneaky little bastards. Anyway, I digress. After being veggie for as long as I have (Not long at all compared to many), I can honestly say I do not miss meat anymore. This doesn't stop it being annoying, however, when one of your friends takes a juicy sausage out of his bap and shoves it in your face. I realise now why all those people were looking at us in a strange way. Hm. I have had a couple of failings as a veggie, one being the cheese one that I detailed earlier, and one being a total accident.
While on a sixth form trip to Greece, at our first hotel we were having dinner, and I was still relatively new to being veggie. Incidentally, Greece is one of the worst places for an aspiring vegetarian to keep to their word. A plate was put down in front of me, and the waitress said, rather brusquely, "Vegetarian?", to which I replied, "Yes, thank you. She then laid down a dish with food in it and said with what I can only imagine the most stereotypical Medittaranean voice to sound like: "Mousaka". I had only ever had a vegetable mousaka before, so foolishly accepted the plate, and got stuck in. A different waitress then passed, looked at me and, remembering my foolish English bastard ways, said in a puzzled, patronising voice, "No, no vegetarian! You vegetarian". I looked down at my food, then up at the plates still filled with food that they were throwing away. Now, I don't know whether this is something only the British people, or just me, do, but I thought I could not let this animal die in vain! So I explained, paraphrasing the sentence as only a naive Englishman can, "No, no waste, I will eat", and gawped a smile at her. She shrugged, sighing in the way that says "Fuckin' idiot", and walked away. I thoroughly enjoyed this happy accident, I hasten to add.
My girlfriend also became vegetarian about three months ago (Through no persuasion on my part), which was very nice of her, as the rest of my friends continously disdained me by pretending their bacon sandwich had an instant orgasm ingredient in it, detailing their sunday roasts to me, and above all else, telling me what an idiot I was, and seeming very puzzled as to why I gave up meat. So it was nice someone could share the flack with me, even nicer that it could be my girlfriend! Thanks for reading and, as always, may the force be with you...

Oh, as a side note, I would like to say that I'm not the sort of vegetarian who immediately doesn't like people who eat meat. I know how good meat is, and am fully aware that for many people, it is a means to survive. It's just my personal ethical choice, that I hope more people will follow, and if they don't, fine!

Monday, 1 August 2011

Thinking, thinking... Way too much thinking.

Ok, I don't know whether the Blog police will bust my nuts for doing two posts in one day, but let's throw caution to the wind here. I want to talk about thinking. Now, as I am a male, some female listeners may be thinking, "My God man, why're you trying to talk about thinking.... It just doesn't bear thinking about how big that headache's going to be afterwards". As I am a male, I'm also guessing that some male readers will be... Well, trying to read this, but not making much sense of those bizarre marks on the screen. Or just thinking I'm a dick. But whatever, here goes.
My specific type of thinking I want to explore is romantic thinking. Not erotic fantasies, as many of you will have leaped to, you dirty, dirty bastards, but the kind of thinking about where your romantic future is going to take you. Now, even when single, I used to think about this a lot. Whilst staring at the various unattainable women that danced around my sixth form like they were under the misconception that their pert arses could save all of Africa, I might add. But now that I'm in a healthy, happy relationship, I don't need to think about it, right? Wrong! (Apparently.) What I have found was that I now over-think every single thing that happens. For example (and I'm pretty sure my significant other won't mind me using this example), she is leaving for 10 days. Now, most people (I assume) would be quite calm about this, given the fact that they're in a healthy relationship, but not my smart-arse brain that likes to ponder over every little detail and possibilty, ohhh no. For some reason, my brain gets terrified of her coming to her senses about going out with me. Which, to be fair, given my magic ability to think things like telling her if I need to pee, or that I had a sex dream involving Jennifer Aniston, makes me more attractive. Anyway, this has been preying on my tired brain for a few days now, and this has made me think: What does the future for this relationship hold? Obviously, given my not-so-great track record in terms of rational thinking, this did not bode well for being able to tell my friends that "No, since watching The Notebook last weekend, I haven't curled up into a ball with a pillow inbetween my legs and cried".
Now while this complete irrational phobia of what the future may bring may sound strange, I'm relatively confident that you, or someone you know, or your grandmother, has experienced this odd fear of what is going on in their love life. I say this, not only out of a desire to see at least one of my many unattractive quirks as normal (Oh God someone accept me please), but also out of a desire to get it off my chest and perhaps help someone else who may be experiencing this exact same problem. Because I think I've found the solution. And while I may overlook this solution as and when this irrational mindset strikes again, and the next time and the next time, etc, I would like to impart this with you. The solution is: Most of the time, there is no solution. What I have found is that, upon stopping my solid bombardment of introspection and analysis and rocking back and forth with my thumb in my mouth, the problem was put into perspective. I guess what I've been trying to say is that in any relationship, or when you're single, or with anything, in my experience, thinking too much about the future is quite often a bad thing, and that the love of anyone (be it a significant other, family, friends, or a particular park-bench), is always worth more than any potential future that a worried mind can cook up. In my case, it leaves me a gibbering wreck, watching romantic comedies, screaming at the television screen, "WHY JENNIFER, WHYYYY, WHY DID YOU NOT THINK ABOUT GETTING AN INSANE DOG, AND HOW HAVE YOU KEPT YOUR YOUNG HIPS AFTER FOUR KIDS". Thank God I have my girlfriend, and thank God she has a really strange taste in men. Future mental patients, in my case...

Episode IV: A New Blog

Now, I know what you're thinking. My girlfriend's awesome. For Christ's sake, she got the keyboard. Again. because I'm God. Her grammar is awful. Absolutely awful. Anyway, I know what you're thinking, some douche has started a blog in the hope of getting internet fame and international acclaim, perhaps a Pulitzer prize or three. And you'd be right. However, the main point of this blog is just to try to make someone laugh. Kind of like one of those projects you hear about where someone tries to make something happen worldwide. Since it's been proven to work with such things as The Impossible Project, The Game (Started as a sociology experiment in an English University, as a matter of fact), and.... Bollocks, I lost the game. So as an introductory blog, this is going to be a blog full of random stories, jokes, anecdotes, tales with morals, fables, and many other things as different from each other as those are. Ahem. Also, my girlfriend will be writing bits here and there, so be prepared. Seriously. Run. Anyway, I'd better get off here before she busts my balls with that lamp over there. Until the next time, may the force be with you...